The STOPLight

Sexual addiction: Another view

I've heard the story a thousand times-details vary, but the basic outline is the same. Joe, like everyone else, found his first pornography. Perhaps in the attic, basement, closet, garage -- it doesn't matter. Someone, probably his father, bought and hid the magazines. Joe was an adolescent, curious about girls, the facts of life, and just wanting to know about sex. Behind this somewhat innocent curiosity and discovery were the roots of a serious problem.

Joe felt awkward, uncomfortable in relationships, unsure of himself with girls, and not fully accepted by his parents, particularly his father. Such relational pain is common. The central issue is how we handle rejection, the need for acceptance, and the frequent uncertainty of relationships. Joe turned to an illusionary world; the world of false intimacy. Again and again he went back to the pornography. First curiosity, then sexual arousal, then masturbation. Tragically, he was losing control and he didn't even know it!

Marriage did not solve the problem-it never does! Eventually, the consequences become serious. There is risk of exposure, loss of productivity, financial weight-and shame of being inconsistent with one's Christian beliefs. In the end, these consequences will not stop the problem. Joe will never regain control on his own.

Some call this an attack of Satan--sexual bondage needing deliverance. Some see it as an addiction, a disease like chemical dependency, that requires recovery. Others believe it is a lack of will power needing a renewed effort to control sexual impulses. I believe there is another explanation consistent with a biblical understanding of sin.

Pornography is not the root of the problem; loss of control is not sexual bondage. Today most people do not believe the words of Jesus because they are grievously ignorant about the heart.

"What comes out of the heart of a man is what makes him unclean. For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality..." (Mark 7:20-21). To paraphrase Jesus, "There is no behavior ever committed that every human being is not capable of committing." Do we believe the words of our Lord? Today the tendency is to find new explanations for complex, difficult to understand behavior. We easily forget that sexual immorality is not new--only the technology has changed. From crude figures of sexual behavior on cave wails to explicit sexual images flashed across the Internet right into our own homes. We don't need to fear the Internet, rather the evil in our own hearts. So, how does a wicked heart work?

The Bible provides a strong framework through which we can understand "sexual addiction" and "the sin that so easily entangles us" (Hebrews 12:1). To understand the origin of abnormal sexual behavior we must first understand human desire. Everyone is born with the desire to be held and loved, just like Joe. This desire is not evil. So how does a natural, legitimate desire become evil? It becomes an evil desire when the desire has the objective of self-interest. (See James 1:4.) It is hard to see self-interest, especially in ourselves, when we hurt so much and just want what seems so legitimate--relief. But when we turn our unmet legitimate desires into justifications to take matters into our own hands, we cross the line into evil desires. What actually takes place is that the person who is disappointed and hurt is "enticed." This internal force (his own desire) lures him toward the perceived object or person that will satisfy that desire. The object or person may be legitimate (a wife) or illegitimate (an Internet relationship). In either case, the object or person appeals to his desire, which has become evil because of his self-interest.

James describes the origin of sinful behavior to those who are tempted. Each is tempted by his or her own evil desire; therefore, the root cause of all deviant sexual behavior is internal. Temptation does not start with lust, but with an evil desire to grasp what God has withheld in a fallen world. A legitimate desire becomes an evil desire when we are impatient. Each of us has a natural disposition that says, "1 want it now!" What temptation offers seems sensible and right to our particular needs and desires. Joe was hurt in relationships and finding a solution seemed difficult until he found pornography. He may have sensed it was wrong, but like many, his desires seemed justified with self-pity, self-interest, and the continual difficulty of relationships. As an adult, the fear of rejection never leaves Joe but opportunities change and he progresses to Internet pornography and eventually to an adulterous relationship with a woman he met in a chat room.

All of us have a deep desire to feel happy and to change our circumstances for the better. Difficult relational circumstances combined with a deceitful heart make anyone susceptible to forming sinful relationships and to the pull of false intimacy. We see something (a person or fantasy) that we think will change our situation. Our deceitful heart buys into a false and empty promise--the promise of relief, of acceptance, of fulfillment. And so, a chat on the Internet, the offer of an extramarital relationship, a topless dancer, or pornographic image--all entice a guy like Joe to get what he can, now. "Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin when it is full-grown, gives birth to death" (James 1:15).

by Dr. Harry W. Schaumburg, a nationally recognized Christian counselor dealing with the problems of sexual addiction. His ministry, Brief Intensive Counseling, helps people deal with their spiritual lives, sexuality and relationships. He is the author of False Intimacy. Call 888-575-3030, or visit www.stonegateresources.com