The STOPLight

Speaking up makes a difference

"I've been thinking about our conversation. . .and I want you to know that I'll never go to one of 'those places' again."

That was Jim, a long-time friend, calling to assure me that he wouldn't frequent topless bars or strip joints anymore. I was surprised. Last we'd talked he was excited about visiting such places, especially Solid Gold. As he described it, the place was clean, comfortable, and tastefully decorated. The "dancers" were young, beautiful, and talented. The customers were polite and respectful. (There was the usual cheering and jeering, but no one grabbed the girls.) He saw it as a harmless way to have fun and to relieve his sexual tensions. As a single parent for nine years, he dated very little. He told me he wouldn't think of dating just for sex -- that would be exploitive.

Prior to my involvement with Adults Saving Kids, my typical response to Jim would have been a quick, accusatory retort or a silent, condemning retreat. Even though I'd known him as a caring friend and a nurturing parent, I think I would have written him off as a jerk who objectifies women and supports businesses that exploit them. And Jim would have been free to continue enjoying his new recreation.

But this conversation took a different turn. With no planning or conscious effort, the knowledge, experience, and awareness I've gained working with Adults Saving Kids kicked in. I was able to stay in the conversation with Jim without making him bad and wrong. In retrospect, my attention was on sharing myself authentically, not on criticizing or shaming Jim.

I listened first, then shared my perspective. I didn't mince words nor did I attack. I simply gave him the facts as I knew them. "I've heard that strippers are often expected to do more than just strip. They're expected to prostitute themselves. Even if that's not true of most strip places, research shows that stripping is a major entry point into the world of prostitution. Since 80% or more of the women in prostitution have been sexually abused as children, getting into prostitution isn't a free choice. It's pre-conditioned. Physical abuse, drug addiction, venereal diseases, and unwanted pregnancies may come with the package."

Then I asked Jim to imagine his twelve-year-old daughter on stage…to picture her moving to the music…removing her clothing one piece at a time…and to put himself in the audience. Jim looked a bit uncomfortable and perplexed, but said nothing and the conversation moved to another topic.

A week later, Jim called. "I've been thinking about our conversation and I want you to know I'll never go to one of those places again. I'm embarrassed to say this, but I hadn't really given it much thought before. Imagining Jennifer working in one of those places really got to me. Thank you for being so open and direct. I truly value our friendship."

My purpose in sharing this story is first, to encourage you to fully educate yourself on the issues of sexual exploitation. And second, to share your truths, thoughtfully and respectfully, whenever appropriate. Some men in your life may be just as uninformed as my friend Jim. Maybe they've never examined their values about the issue.

Be assured your speaking up is making a difference.