The STOPLight

Survivor pursues real recovery

Heidi grew up in a small Minnesota town then went to college in Saint Paul. There she was recruited into prostitution. The next ten years of her life were spent in prostitution -- her pimp was her husband. After getting out, she went back to college and got a bachelor's degree. Here she talks about her complex and on-going recovery.

We talk about recovery but most of us aren't sure what we have to recover from. What did or do you need to recover from? I had to find a sense of self-worth, to feel that I was deserving of recovery. I had years of abuse, low self-esteem, and felt I wasn't worthy. Once I recognized that and started to work toward feeling like I was somebody -- that I'm a child of God -- that was the beginning of my recovery.

My pimp controlled everything I did. Even with the beatings, hating myself, and not wanting to be in prostitution, I didn't have the willpower to get out. This is "learned helplessness." My pimp wasn't doing anything to support me or the children, but I thought he was managing everything and without him I wouldn't make it. It's crazy; a person's thinking gets warped. You sink into this abyss of apathy and you don't know how to climb out. Even if you do manage to get away from the environment, you're so brainwashed and your sense of self-worth is so low, you bring it all with you. Like me -- I escaped from my pimp and went to my parents' house -- I didn't feel like I fit in. I felt so damaged and different that I went right back to prostitution.

What did you have to do to survive ten years in prostitution? You think of yourself as an object, a commodity -- so life became all about getting money. For a lot of us the money we got, for a minute, might satisfy a void in our lives; we could go shopping or whatever trying to fill the void.

In prostitution it's dog-eat-dog; you can't trust anyone. You hate other women because they are rivals out to take your business. The pimps pit the women against each other, so you don't trust women. You don't trust men. You make money by being desirable to men so your whole life is consumed with that. It's where you get your identity so you dress seductively, you act seductively, you flirt -- all because you need attention in order to feel like you're somebody. At the same time you're seeking this attention, it's all about money. You start manipulating to see how much you can get out of a man. Your life be comes filled with manipulation and lies.

You're always watching your back. You don't know if a trick will pull a knife or gun or if he'll try to take back the money. You don't know when your pimp is going to beat you. You don't know when your wife-in-laws (the other women working for your pimp) are going to set you up to get beaten. You are always on the defense.

To deal with it, you learn to disassociate from your feelings. I got to the point where when I was turning a trick, I was somewhere else -- maybe at the beach or making a list of things I wanted to do. I could actually remove myself from my body; I was not there. When my pimp beat me, I could actually numb myself so I wouldn't feel it so much. That was probably one of the hardest things to get over -- re-attaching with feelings and re-attaching with myself and my physical body.

To fill the void most of us start using drugs and drinking -- then life becomes consumed with that. Getting high before going on a call and during a call soon has you spending almost all the money you make on drugs.

You talked about trying to fill a void. What was this void? I believe the void was me being a human being, me being loved and valued, me being a child of God, finding peace in God. My life had no meaning or purpose. I was aimlessly being blown here and there. I believe 100% that without finding your identity in Christ, there is no filling the void.

What kept you alive? That's a tough one. I can name several things: praying parents; God didn't give up on me and kept a hold of me, my kids. My oldest son was with me most of those years. I couldn't give up or what would happen to him? They were all external things that kept me going, nothing from inside me. I would have given up long ago; I hated myself so much.

When I finally snapped, my kids were older, and the situations they were in left me feeling like, what else do I have? There was no reason to keep living. Unless you find a sense of love for yourself, when the external things are taken away, there's nothing left.

Has post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) affected you? I didn't realize I was suffering from PTSD until about six years after I got out of prostitution. PTSD is a reaction after the fact: nightmares, flashbacks, depression, panic attacks. I could be sitting in church and a traumatic event would flash in my mind and it was hard to get it out. Even though I was out of prostitution, things I had suppressed in many areas of my life that were just sitting there waiting to snap back at me. When they did, I was overwhelmed and tried to kill myself.

What happened then? I spent the next six months in Chicago at Genesis House, an intensive rehabilitative program for women who have been used in prostitution. At Genesis House I really learned about what happened to me in prostitution. The ten women in the program had two or three group sessions a day plus I was in individual counseling and got into a 12-step recovery program.

The goal of the program is to slowly take every shattered piece of your life and build you back up. I learned to reconnect with feelings, to work through the nightmares and flashbacks, not trying to suppress them. I learned it's important to let them come up, then deal with them with someone you trust-in counseling or in a support group. It's hard and it's ugly to get all that poison out, but that's what I did. I spent six months talking about it constantly, getting feedback and positive reinforcement. I did daily meditations, like positive self-talk: "I am worthwhile. I am somebody. I am worthy of love."

Coming out of prostitution, I still had those same things I went in with-I grew up being a people pleaser and a perfectionist, knowing how to act, how to fit in, how to look like you're doing everything okay. I got a degree, a good job, and worked in the anti-prostitution movement. On the outside it looked like I had it all together because I knew how to keep up the front. But I really wasn't in control. What was deep inside was still controlling me. It forced me to make myself look perfect, yet I was drinking and out of control in relationships -- still going out with abusive men. Low self-esteem and self-hatred were still dictating my life. You can only do that for so long before your whole world crumbles.

For me, it was finally saying, "I surrender. I can't control it anymore. I need help." That's step one in the 12-step process. That started a course of events where I let other people in to help me.

What do you do to maintain your emotional, physical, and spiritual health? My on-going self-care includes aromatherapy and therapeutic massage. Every morning I read from my meditations and the Bible. I go to my 12-step group and to church every week. I've learned the importance of eating well, taking vitamins and minerals, exercising and getting plenty of sleep.

I try not to get caught up in that whole perfectionist thing. I write in a journal. When feelings come up, I allow myself to feel and savor them, to acknowledge that it's okay to have different feelings.

It's a rough road, and I've still got a lot more ahead of me. I don't have to be perfect in recovery either. "This too shall pass" has become my favorite saying.

What kind of support would you like to develop further? I think I need to develop further a support system of friends. I've had superficial friendships in the past because I wouldn't let anyone get too deep; I've never really given all my trust to them. I want to develop some very deep, trusting friendships, especially with women.

Another area is spotting a healthy relationship, and recognizing what's not healthy -- allowing myself to have healthy relationships. I don't feel ready for dating, but eventually I would like to experience a healthy male-female relationship.

What do you do if a crisis occurs? The very first thing I do is pray. That doesn't mean that I get on my knees and say a long prayer. I say, "God, I need your help right now. I feel like I'm on the edge, like I could just throw all this away." I turn the situation over to God. He'll work out what is best for me. That calms me. I'll think the situation through to its conclusion rather than reacting on impulse. I learned this in AA: think about the consequences of taking a drink, what could happen to me as a result. I can then decide it's not worth it.

Sometimes I write about it. Or I'll read some meditations. I have a great book of daily meditations by Melodie Beatty called The Language of Letting Go. That really helps me put things into perspective in some of the relationships I have problems with.

What are some other books, resources, or groups you recommend? One of the best books I've ever read is Woman, Thou art Loosed by T.D. Jakes. It speaks directly to women who have been abused. It is the most wonderful book I have ever read. That book helped me see how special and valuable I am to God. I had this ice cube inside; I could actually feel it melt away as I read that book.

Going to a recovery group like AA, Al-Anon, Narcotics Anonymous-any 12-step program. It is helpful because you are accepted as you are; it's very non-judgmental. I also think every woman who has been in prostitution should attend a rape survivors group. There are also battered women's support groups and many books on recovery.

What is the key to your recovery? Faith is the foundation and the core of my recovery. Without it I don't believe recovery is possible. For me to feel deserving of a good life and help, I had to love myself, and the only way to love myself was to know that I'm a child of God and that he loves me very, very, very much. Finally, after all these years, I know that I am special to God. That's the key to this whole turn around.

from an interview by Amy Hartman