The STOPLight

Sexual addiction: Definition, prevention

Defining sexual addiction

Sexual addiction is an unmanageable or powerless pattern of acting out a sexual activity; it is a pathological relationship with sex. Like alcoholism, it's not defined by the kind of sexual activity, but is a pattern of behavior that generally gets worse over time (meaning the frequency increases), usually leading to destructive consequences.

Sex addicts feel out of control; they want to stop but can't. They make misguided associations between love and sex. They use the sexual activity trying to take away anxiety, fear, loneliness, etc. Research shows that four out of five sex addicts were sexually traumatized as children. Sex addicts usually believe they are bad and worthless people, undeserving of God's forgiveness and grace. In the depth of their spirits, they long to be connected, nurtured, loved, and affirmed.

Experts estimate that 10% of the population is sexually addicted. I believe the incidence is higher in the Christian community. If a religious faith is rather repressive in nature, it tends to make sexual activity and sexual thinking mysterious. Sexual thinking combined with mystery and forbiddance makes a person more vulnerable to sexual addiction.

There's a great need for the church to speak about healthy sexuality to people of all ages. If we accept that God's design is that marriage is the place for sexuality to be expressed, then the church needs to help people create a vision of why this is important. Teenagers already know what they are not supposed to do and desperately want more positive information. We need to help them see that healthy sexuality includes things like friendship, open and honest communication, healthy touch, emotional intimacy, and spiritual connection.

I think kids need a lot of help to not feel so lonely with the barrage of emotions, feelings, and physiological changes that are taking place in their bodies. We need to tell them what they are going through is normal. If we don't and it stays hidden, they are much more vulnerable to having their behaviors become addictive.

In talking with junior high kids, you may want to make some distinctions between an addictive pattern and a normal pattern of adolescent curiosity, sexual exploration, and development. If a kid is feeling out of control with their sexual thoughts and feelings, I would encourage counseling to help them explore it. Historically, kids who admit to sexual thoughts or feelings have been told it is part of normal adolescent development and not to worry about it.

For example, if an 11- or 12-year-old said, "I can't stop masturbating," a therapist would probably tell them it's normal, the old wives' takes are not true, and don't worry about it. Well, there may be something to worry about. It there's a chronic pattern, where is it coming from? Is it covering up something? More questions need to be asked. They may have been sexually traumatized. We need to let them know what abuse is and how it can affect them.

If a child is on the Internet, looking at pornography, downloading it, printing stuff up, getting in the chat rooms, concerned adults around that child need to be ready and willing to make an intervention. It is our business as a community of faith to be concerned about these issues.

from an interview with Mark Laaser, a former pastor and recovering sex addict, who is involved with the Oasis Ministry of the Christian Alliance for Sexual Recovery

Christian Alliance for Sexual Recovery is a Mississippi-based network of therapists who work in the sexual addiction field.

(601) 844-5128.