The STOPLight

In my own words . . .

"Linda, do you still have cancer?. . . Jail is no place for you." "You have a degree in social work, don’t you?... Why don’t you do something with your education?" said two vice cops at my last arrest.

It seems that some people could easily find solutions to my problems, even those who knew of my drug addiction, active participation in prostitution, homelessness, and my need for food, clothing, and heck, even a stamp to send out a resume. I’d have welcomed an opportunity to secure gainful employment in my chosen profession: social work. In the meantime would you house, feed, and clothe me? In my questioner’s silence, I knew that he or she was perhaps feeling overwhelmed by all my actual needs, but was certain I could accomplish all the changes I needed and wanted to make if I would just try — alone.

I’ve been determined to change certain aspects of myself — for myself — as well as aspects of my past lifestyle. It is difficult, but not impossible. There aren’t many, but there are enough people I can ding to, cry on, be angry in front of, and even be honest about my relapses with, because of their knowledge about the intricacies of prostitution and drug addiction. They understand that relapse may be a part of my recovery, and I will not magically get out of the streets or stop using drugs.

So, while I’m learning how to do nothing gracefully, I sigh in comfort; knowing that I have slowly succeeded in changing some areas of my life, while still working on others.

The afternoon sun beats down on my tanned skin as I write this while sifting on the back porch of my fiancé’s apartment. There is a quietness about my life today, even in the midst of occasional, emotional turmoil and ‘lust life" experiences. I enjoy a gentle but strong awareness that, at least for today, I’m O.K.

Linda Smarr, changing, in Cleveland, Ohio