The STOPLight

Purpose

The STOP Light is an educational tool that illuminates the realities of prostitution and provides resources, support, and hope to people of all cultures; and openings for action to families, survivors, people in prostitution, people vulnerable to recruitment, communities affected by prostitution, and the organizations in a position to work with these groups.

Keeping kids safe -- and parents sane

Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (And Parents Sane)

by Gavin de Becker
© 1999; 336 pages, hardcover, $22.95
Published by The Dial Press
ISBN 0-385-33309-9

Gavin de Becker talks about things parents fear most for their children -- things like abusive babysitters, school safety, abductions, sexual predators, guns, violence, suicide, more.

In this book, his premise is that the more you know, the less you'll fear. His promise is ". . .by the end of this book, you'll know more and be uncertain less; see more and deny less; accept more and hesitate less; act more and worry less."

"Of all the approaches you might take to enhance the safety of your child, do you suppose that ignorance about violence is an effective one? How about denial? Does it enhance safety?" De Becker says denial and ignorance are the biggest obstacles to keeping children safe. And that trusting our intuition, listening to and exercising it, is the best way to keep them safe.

In a calm and forthright manner, he uncovers our insecurities and encourages us to overcome them through knowledge. He offers lists and anecdotes to clearly illustrate his points. For example, in the chapter called "Intuition -- the Source of Safety," de Becker lists the signals of denial as rationalization, justification, minimization, excuse -- making, and refusal. He follows up with two real-life stories that illuminate these points. The author questions the wisdom and validity of many of the maxims we heard as children and probably said to our own kids. Never Talk to Strangers is dismantled as is If You Are Ever Lost -- Go to a Policeman. But even as he points out the flaws in these maxims, de Becker gives parents more effective ways to keep their kids safe.

From infancy through adulthood, the book gives parents practical advice for staying sane while raising their children. From interviewing a pediatrician to The Test of Twelve (how to know when a child is capable of being on their own); from selecting a daycare provider to questions for the principal of your child's school, de Becker demonstrates how knowledge makes parents -- and children -- less fearful and more confident.

On the issue of sexual predators and sexual abuse, Protecting the Gift says it's "a topic nobody really wants to think about..." but "of all the serious harms that could come to your child, sexual abuse is the one that most needs your attention and intuition." Using a real predator as an example, de Becker teaches how to recognize seven signals that will alert you to a predator's intent -- and none of them are violent; they are persuasive. Violence and sexual assault happen after the predator gets his target to a place where victimization is possible.

"…Nearly 90 percent of sexual abuse is committed by someone the children know, not by strangers," and nearly 100% is committed by heterosexual males. The book gives clear and practical advice on how parents can give their children the words they need to describe abuse if it happens, to know about touch and boundaries, to say "Stop or I'll tell," to know that their parents are strong enough to deal with anything the child tells them. Helpful programs that can be used in schools are described in one of seven useful appendices.

"Teenagers, especially girls, are the most victimized segment of our population (and ... the least likely to report a crime)." De Becker discusses specific strategies parents and girls can use, including how to say "no" and mean it. In a chapter called "Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn and Smith & Wesson," he talks about boys and violence -- and guns. Careful not to take political sides, he presents statistics that raise the hair on the back of your neck, and says, "protecting teenage boys from violence and keeping them from guns amounts to almost the same thing." He lists suicide warning signs for worried parents, looks at predictive indicators that reveal when a child's friend could be an enemy, and talks about violence within the family. Although he writes about subjects most of us would prefer not to even think about, de Becker is not an alarmist -- far from it. He is an expert with 25 years' experience in predicting violent behavior and is a security advisor to corporate, celebrity, and government clients.

A-STOP believes all parents - and children -- can become better equipped to recognize and handle whatever comes their way in life. Protecting the Gift wipes away our fog of denial so we can clearly see what's around us-and freely trust our intuition to guide us. It is essential reading for those concerned about the safety and well-being of youth.

reviewed by Joan Nitz

In 2002 our organization changed its name to Adults Saving Kids. Prior to that we were called A-STOP (Alliance for Speaking Truths On Prostitution), STOP (Speaking Truths On Prostitution), or Grassroots Ministry Alliance.