The STOPLight

My name is Merle...

My name is Merle*. I was married to a man who became an alcoholic. My father had been an alcoholic, so my pain doubled. We had one daughter, Susanna, who took her own life at the age of 16. Eventually, my husband and I divorced. Life couldn't possibly present more challenges!   I had been alone for 7 years and was hopeful of entering a meaningful relationship with the "right" man. I met Steve when I was 49 years old. Steve didn't smoke, drink or use bad language, and he had many other good qualities I admired. He ate healthy foods and exercised regularly in an effort to maintain his physical health. Steve was thoughtful and caring about women. He was actually a perfect gentleman! Did I dare to imagine that I had found the perfect partner? I met Steve's family. They were nice people and were very good to me.

After dating for some time, I couldn't help but notice how Steve looked at other women. Not just casually, but very intently. I thought I might be too sensitive and assumed I was overreacting. Perhaps jealousy entered the picture. I chose to ignore this sign of potential trouble. Actually, I ignored a red flag!

In the early days of our relationship, I noted that Steve owned a subscription to Playboy magazine. After I made a negative comment about it, he said he didn't intend to renew the magazine.

Steve and I decided to move to another city. Shortly after getting settled there, I discovered Steve spending time watching pornography on the Internet. When I confronted him and told him of my concern, he left the house in disgust and informed me later that he had gone to an adult bookstore to view pornography. Once, after I returned from visiting a friend for several days, I turned on the computer and pornography appeared on the screen. Obviously, Steve had been watching pornography in my absence.

Further discussion always led to Steve telling me I needed a better self-image of my body. "If you had a good self-image, this stuff wouldn't bother you!" Fortunately, I did have a good self-image of myself and hated the thought of my relationship being ruined by pornography!

The final humility came while lying in bed together one night. Steve masturbated while I lay beside him in shock and disbelief. Finally, I could no longer tolerate this behavior, and I decided to leave the relationship forever. It was a difficult decision for me, but one I had to make.

I have returned to good emotional health. I am happy that it took me just two years to work through the situation. We had so much fun together, but finally the fun didn't outweigh the pain and humiliation.

From an interview with an A-STOP staff member

A-STOP has become vividly aware of the effects of pornography upon people. Men who are involved in pornography gradually begin to consider women as objects, not as warm and loving human beings and partners. The degradation of healthy relationships is just one of the horrors of pornography. We have been told that upon investigation of the perpetrators of sex crimes (rape and molestation), nearly all have some form of pornography in their homes. People can become addicted to pornography, and we as a society must face this reality and work to prevent it.

* names used are not their real names

In 2002 our organization changed its name to Adults Saving Kids. Prior to that we were called A-STOP (Alliance for Speaking Truths On Prostitution), STOP (Speaking Truths On Prostitution), or Grassroots Ministry Alliance.