The STOPLight

How does a regular guy become a John?

Men might boast of scoring with a woman. Most men do not boast of using a person in prostitution. It is hardly something to be proud of. It is expensive. It compromises any ethical standards he might have— like having a relationship of integrity with his wife and children and the outcome of their lives together. And it can be dangerous.

What would cause a boy or man to become a customer? I assert it is not something men intend to get involved in. Like people who get into prostitution, it is not a future people plan out for themselves. Yet it happens. How?

The Bible story of King David and Bathsheba may give us some clues.

David, a God-fearing man who showed courage in battle and respect for elders, suddenly decided to use a woman for sex—even though it was risky. It wasn’t that David needed a sexual partner; he had many wives. It wasn’t that he lacked power; he was king. It wasn’t that he needed some excitement; he had just led his army to victory.

Was he feeling bored or unacknowledged or burdened by his endless responsibilities as king? Was he feeling restless? He saw a woman who pleased him and suddenly, he was not thinking of the war, of his enemies, of his problems, of the dullness of normal life. Impulsively, he sent for Bathsheba.

He may have thought thus: Why shouldn’t he have her? Hadn’t he earned some rest and relaxation? Didn’t he deserve a few perks for the way he, rather unfairly really, had to attend to so many issues and petty problems? Was there not something enticing about the fear of getting caught and the power he had to handle all that? Many such thoughts may have entered his mind as he tried to justify his actions. Notice how he completely overlooks any consequences this action might have for the country, his family, her, or his future.

Does all this sound a little familiar? A man suffers with life, work, family, taxes, etc., doesn’t he? Aren’t we men really victims of an unfair system? Surely no one will mind that we "good" men enjoy the benefit of a woman’s body. Why else would we live, we can reason, if we are not to receive some special satisfaction for what we have done far above and beyond the call of duty? I can say to myself, People don’t see what I have to put up with. If they did, they would understand why I eat this or drink that or use this or look at pornography or go to strip clubs or buy a person in prostitution or... Looking at life from this point of view, we can make it all sound very reasonable. We can rationalize that life owes us this.

Think about this: it has been estimated there are twenty million johns in the U.S. Isn’t it time we acknowledge that men are actively doing this? Isn’t it about time we seek to understand what motivates them? Isn’t it time to realize people we know personally might be johns? And isn’t it time to recognize how easy it would be for any of us men to follow this path?

The story of King David shows us how easy it can be to persuade ourselves that using women or men in prostitution for our own pleasure is totally justifiable.

What are the things that David, in his "rational" thinking, failed to consider? Bathsheba didn’t have sex with him out of love. As his subject, she didn’t have the option to refuse. She was vulnerable; she cared for her husband. He was not thinking about her at all or her future. He didn’t stop to consider the future consequences for himself, his family or his kingdom, either.

Most johns never consider that a person in prostitution actually has a life, a family. When I talked with a group of johns who were in a court-ordered program, it was actually shocking to most of them that families were grieving deeply over what was happening to their family member in prostitution.

It is tempting to condemn men who are johns, but the story of King David won’t benefit us if we take that tack. Our best approach is to allow ourselves to realize that some part of David lives within each of us.

We need to question ourselves: How am I dealing with the worries and stresses in my own life? Am I buying the notion that I really have it bad? Am I looking for a quick fix? Am I allowing myself to acknowledge my frustrations and anxieties? Am I talking them over with anyone? Am I, in my own mind, looking for ways to compensate myself for having it so tough? Am I buying the idea that the sex industry is entertainment and not exploitation? Am I looking for healthy outlets to express myself that will not hurt others or jeopardize myself or my family? Am I just selfishly thinking I deserve to relieve my stress and satisfy my desires, no matter what the cost?

Pimps, madams, strip club, escort service and sauna owners will make sure women and youth are available for the taking. Sex is available; it’s easy to find in many different forms. It will seem easy at the time. It might even seem harmless. We can easily forget this is someone’s child, sister, maybe someone’s wife. There will be no trumpets sounding to remind us that these are beloved people of God first, and bodies second.

But, make no mistake. If we decide to indulge ourselves in the sex industry, there will be consequences. This way of relieving stress or pampering ourselves only looks innocent. Overstepping the boundaries of respect and self control has a high cost. Down the road we will have to lie, connive, pay fines, get diseases, be blackmailed, be robbed, possibly even die or cause the death of a loved one. Using other people as commodities cannot help but lead to unhappy relationships, the possible break-up of a marriage, losing self-respect and the respect of our children. God is not mocked; we will reap what we sow.

Have you been a john? How are you feeling about yourself? What are you experiencing now? Write and tell us what it’s like for you. We are not here to condemn you. Neither are we here to condone this behavior. We ask you to get yourself turned around.

Let us as men generate the kind of sharing which will make our children proud. Let us find resolution and listen to the hard but honest words of King David in II Samuel 12. Then in Psalm 32, David wrote, "When I kept silent, my bones grew old through my groaning all the day long... . I acknowledged my sin to You and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,’ And You forgave the iniquity of my sin."

King David’s honesty, humility, and decisiveness make him a memorable person. S.T.O.P. wants the men of this country to be memorable. Share what you learn! It may keep one man from a lifetime of agony.

In 2002 our organization changed its name to Adults Saving Kids. Prior to that we were called A-STOP (Alliance for Speaking Truths On Prostitution), STOP (Speaking Truths On Prostitution), or Grassroots Ministry Alliance.